Is someone new being controlling, or am I overreacting?

You’re probably not overreacting. Someone wanting your location, getting angry about time with your friends, or pushing for commitment after a few dates are things they did, not feelings you invented, and early on the clearest test isn’t what they meant by it but what happens after you say no.

You can’t know what’s going on inside someone else. You can trust what you’ve seen, and you’ve seen a lot by now.

Why does it feel like you might be overreacting?

Because it arrives wrapped in charm. Picture Lena, 36, a hotel design consultant who’s on the road two weeks a month. She’s had five weeks of great dates with Rafe. He’s funny, he plans things, he remembered the taco place she loves. On date three he said he’d never felt like this. On date four he asked her to share her location “so I know you landed safe.” When she went to her friend Dee’s birthday instead of seeing him, he sent eleven texts, ending with “guess I know where I rank.” Last weekend he asked her to delete the apps and come to his family’s Thanksgiving.

Lena’s friends have called her guarded before. So her first thought is that the problem is her.

The Hotline notes that early in a relationship it isn’t always easy to tell where things will go, because many people who become abusive seem like ideal partners at first, and warning signs tend to show up and grow over time.1 One of the signs it lists is discouraging a partner from spending time with friends and family.1 That doesn’t tell you anything about Rafe’s intentions. It tells you that charm and concern can coexist, and that noticing early isn’t paranoia.

Isn’t location sharing normal now?

Lots of people share locations, so it’s easy to wonder if you’re the odd one out. The Hotline describes using apps to track a partner’s location or monitor their social media as a form of intimate partner surveillance.2 Still, the expectation is spreading: in an Australian government survey of 2,046 adults, more than 1 in 10 thought it was reasonable to expect to track a partner with location-sharing apps.3

Researchers who interviewed 117 young adults about dating and technology heard about expectations of constant contact, anger when a partner didn’t keep up, and partners tracking or monitoring each other, and noted that some of this may have become normalized.4 Those participants were 18 to 25, not 36, but the drift they describe isn’t age-specific. Normal-sounding can still mean control-shaped. In a Pew survey of U.S. adults, seven in ten said it’s rarely or never acceptable to look through a partner’s phone without them knowing.5

So the difference isn’t the app. Two people who chose to share, and either can switch it off without fallout, is a convenience. Being asked on week four, by someone who sulks when you hesitate, is pressure.

What actually counts as a sign?

Not one awkward moment. Look for these, especially when they repeat:

• What happens after your no. Dropped, or argued, sulked about, brought up again?
• What happens to your friends. Is time with them becoming something you have to defend?
• Whether the speed comes with pressure. Big feelings are allowed. Making you feel cold for not matching them is different.
• Whether checking up is framed as care. “I just worry” can be sincere and still be monitoring.
• Whether you’ve started editing yourself. Shorter texts to friends, plans you don’t mention, a quick “landed!” so there’s no mood.

Monitoring your phone or location, getting angry about your friends, and pressure to commit before you’re ready are not ordinary early-dating jitters, however warmly they’re delivered.

How do you trust your read here?

Take Lena’s week line by line:

• What happened: He asked for her location, sent eleven texts about a birthday, and asked her to delete the apps after five weeks.
• The reading: “Maybe I’m just guarded and he’s just really into me.”
• The fear: That she’s ruining something good, or that she’s missing something she’ll regret.
• The next step: Keep her own plans as they were, and watch what happens after a no.

Notice what her read did. It flagged three behaviors before her doubt kicked in. You probably read people better than the doubt lets you believe.

What if you’re uneasy about how they’ll react?

Then take that feeling seriously. You don’t owe anyone an argument or a long explanation. If you’re nervous about stepping back, or about what they might do if you say no to the next request, talk to an advocate at the National Domestic Violence Hotline (linked on this page). They can help you plan how to slow down or end things in a way that keeps you safe. A friend who knows where you are is a good second call.

What to do this week

• Write down what happened, plainly. Dates, what was asked, what you said, what came back.
• Keep your plans with friends. Your life was full before this person, and it gets to stay that way.
• Say no to one small thing and watch. Not as a test, just as an ordinary no, the kind you’d say to anyone.
• Tell one friend the unedited version. If you’ve been softening it, notice that.
• If anything feels scary, call before you act. An advocate can help you think it through.

What doesn’t the research show?

• The interview study used 18 to 25 year olds, and the tracking survey was Australian.43 Both describe attitudes and experiences, not what any one person will do.
• Pew measured opinions, not how often phones actually get checked in new relationships.5
• No list can read intent. The signs above are about behavior you can see. An advocate or a licensed therapist can help you sort the rest.